Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Dig In

Item of Holiday Death #1

So most of us who are the designated cooks for our family have requests we must honor during this season of food -- time-honored recipes we've served to our family as long as we've had one -- and sometimes before. 

I have a Heath Bar/chocolate chip cookie bar recipe that I've been making since the 1980s (college for me, which means I ate them at least once and chased them down with tequila) that I must make at least once during the season if I want to stay in everyone's good graces.

 The other food item that is more or less demanded of me is Yorkshire puddings at Christmas Dinner or Thanksgiving, which means from November - January 1, my kitchen menu features hearty portions of 1) sweets, 2) processed candy, and 3) lard. It's like the homestead kitchen I'm so proud of temporarily relocates to a trailer park somewhere and all I need is a bag of Doritos and Velveeta on the counter to make the transition complete.

It just always seems like it sends the wrong message to those I love most. It's like, "I love you yet I will nonetheless try and kill you with unhealthy food over these next few weeks." But in my defense, I only acquiesce to these requests at this time of year. The other 11 months of the year  I tend to make quinoa and flax-inspired food which makes Big Ag and the kids go "blech." Victory for me. Eat bland and enjoy the healthy blood values now, people. December's comin'.


Because I make these two items, everyone loves me more during the holidays, no question. And I'm -- obviously -- willing to buy their love with deliciously bad food. If I lived in the trailer park, I'd no doubt be the most loved 500-pound woman there. Loved by my 700-pound family, that is.

Anyway, I found the cookie bar recipe where all cookie bar recipes are all invented -- some trashy women's magazine -- long before I became a convert to the natural foods movement. The Yorkshire puddings are a carryover tradition from my godmother's house. They are unhealthy but at least contain all natural ingredients -- bacon fat, flour and milk.  And they both have historical significance to those I love, and so I will continue making them for as long as they request them, even though I feel guilty about it.

So the cookie bars are done, I have all the ingredients on hand for Yorkshires tomorrow, and all we need are the Doritos and Velveeta to really knock everyone's trans-fat, salt and sugar intake out of the park. 

Merry Christmas from Yours Truly, known better by my other name this time of year, which is The Angel of Dietary Death.  


  1. Haha! I think I've gone through...maybe 30 sticks of butter. Tis the season! So funny to think about actually killing the people we love with the awful/delicious food. But I'm making grilled vegetables, so that balances out right? Considering my menu has not one, not two, but three dishes with bechamel and melted cheese sauces--probably not. All that melted cheese and none of it's Velveeta! That would have been much more budget friendly though.
    Merry Christmas! Enjoy the lard while it lasts!

  2. I hear you on the butter...I'm so glad I keep butter frozen in the chest freezer because I can go through more than my fridge can hold in its butter compartment! Yes, we are killing our loved ones deliciously. And they are thankful for it haha. Have a wonderful Christmas!!